Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
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Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and