Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
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Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
pizza
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Namaste
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
same but as an audience member
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.