Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
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I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell