Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
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Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation