Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

How to wake up a Beagle

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE