Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
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What.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.