Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
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Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Sponch
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.