Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.