Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
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6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Updating my resume. Anyone have a more professional word for “dumpster fire?” 🤔🔥📝