Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
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Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*ernest hemingway voice*
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Flock of bats
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.