Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
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A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!