Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
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“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*