Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
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y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
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[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?