Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

The struggle is real.

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

ㅤ

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Thanks to a fan for this one.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.