Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
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More like Kate Missington.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
you’re damn right i have
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.