[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
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ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all