Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

huge valentines day plans this year!!

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany