*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
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It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.