“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
You Might Also Like
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Interior design 👌
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
This is my emotional support knife.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow