*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
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NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Finally