Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

Shortcut

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?