*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
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If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Anarchy
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
