*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
g
a
r
d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume