Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

yes… yes…

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad

me: that is true of literally every food

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line

me: *fixing something*

him: that’s not broken

me: well, it is now