*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
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Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.