Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

Spring of Deception