[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.