@WhaJoTalkinBout

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

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@TylerLinkin

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

@erichwithach

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

@DrakeGatsby

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

@BigJDubz

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

@BarebakAssassin

The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.

@juliadavidovich

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

@MichaelTrying

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@i_Lean

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.