[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

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Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.


What if Daft Punk is just a couple of rad old ladies who met in knitting club and shared a love of sick beats?


*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.


The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.


You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..


Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?


When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed


Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.


Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*