[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

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My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.


Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”



Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this


Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right


The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.


that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans


Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.


Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.


And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.