*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
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My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
How high do the levels go?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped