Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
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I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
In space, no one can hear…
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
sry
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.