Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

They did not miss in the small print

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Guy who likes music

If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.