*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
They grow up so quick
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you