Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

A Match(.com), but for socks.

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”