Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store