Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
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Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!