Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
That’s it.I’m out.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”