Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

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*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.

Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.

13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”

Do I fail parenting now?

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

[Entomologist Meeting]

Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?

Guy who named the fly: A crawl?

G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.