Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

me: what’s your favorite book

her: I love 1984

me: just pick one

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

😂😂

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.