Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

Them: “Nobody said anything.”

Me: “I’ll drink to that!”

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

Oh hi lol

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine