Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
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ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.