Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meowchelangelo

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did

guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Word!

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.