Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found

*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

This makes total sense…

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

this has done me in for some reason

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians