[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
🤣
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.