Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

Cinematography is my passion

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes