Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.