Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
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If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.