Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
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You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I miss this era type of pranks😭