Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.