Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.