Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
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My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?