Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”

Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees