WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.