Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
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Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
