Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
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[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Cold.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.