Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed