Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

we did it you guys we saved daylight

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

bros in the example zone 😭

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide