Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.