WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
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Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
he’s sick of your bullshit today
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved