Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

Who wants to be my Valentine?

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter