Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off