WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings ๐จ๐ธ๐พโ๐ป๐ฎ ๐ญ๐๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐น๐ป๐ธ๐ซ๐ช๐ซ๐ต๐
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My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and Iโm pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
snake: iโm poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isnโt much of a concern to me! If you were venomous howeverโ
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
there should be a jail just for people that donโt break apart kit kats before they eat them
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I donโt like carrots
me: I know[how Iโve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Secret Santa is very disappointing if youโre self-employed.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question wonโt be about his travel itinerary.
99% of my Dadโs excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeahโฆ
โConstant super-visionโ
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I canโt stop laughing at this I havenโt stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! Iโm so excited Iโm going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
friend: man, I honestly donโt believe sheโd cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you canโt keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing โprobably a snakeโ in my notepad* Thank you.
if I ever lose an eye, Iโll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I canโt tell if this character in the movie Iโm watching is a villain or just German.
sheโs already got guys telling her sheโs beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that youโve never been married and you love spending time with him?