WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings ๐จ๐ธ๐พโ๐ป๐ฎ ๐ญ๐๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐น๐ป๐ธ๐ซ๐ช๐ซ๐ต๐
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She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Hereโs a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
โ me as a therapist
Iโm doing the lords work (judging)
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmasโ
me: itโs not controversial
grampa: donโt start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY Sanโ
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHTโ
grampa: HE CANโT FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[robbing a bank]
Partner: letโs go weโre running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, theyโd call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: ๐๐๐๐ I Dont know guys, leave me alone ๐
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think Iโll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Iโm tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Donโt give me instructions to your place that have words like โeastwardโ or โkilometresโ and then get mad when I donโt show up
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
โThis does not bode well.โ โ a guy at the returns desk, explaining why heโs returning a boder.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
The man I married can land a fly on a troutโs snout.
The man I married says itโs not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesnโt allow imprecise compliments.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, โI know. Thatโs why Iโm not in there.โ
If youโre ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think โWhat would teenage me do?โ
And then do the opposite of that.
just pick it off the pizza, you wonโt taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, โI donโt care who started it, Iโm stopping it!โ
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
POV: Your companyโs HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:โThis is the body of Christ. Take it โ
ME:โUum,can I instagram it first?โ
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
once i get some clearasil, itโs over for you blotches
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, thatโs me. Youโre probably wondering how I ended up in this situatioโฆ
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
*Judge raises hammer* โI SENTENCE YOU TO LIFEโ -*defendant chuckles* โIโm already alive you MORON!โ
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: Itโs weird these things have 3 seats
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talkingโฆ