WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 饾摠饾摳饾摼’饾摶饾摦 饾摥饾攤饾摬饾摲饾摪 饾摴饾摶饾摳饾摣饾摢饾摣饾摰饾攤
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Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
accessories can really boost a woman鈥檚 self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Breaking news:
When the battle starts, but it鈥檚 also laundry day
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
you know being royal isn鈥檛 a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald鈥檚 drive thru that shit would go up in flames
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Me: Look buddy, I鈥檓 not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that鈥檚 exactly why I鈥檝e asked you to leave
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven鈥檛 stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just 拢5.99.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid鈥檚 dresses are expensive.
Don鈥檛 go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that鈥檚 the toddler injury
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
If your drug dealer is on time, he鈥檚 a cop.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so