WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings ๐จ๐ธ๐พโ๐ป๐ฎ ๐ญ๐๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐น๐ป๐ธ๐ซ๐ช๐ซ๐ต๐
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: Iโve been sleeping with your mom
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Father OโMalley answers the phone. โHello, is this Father OโMalley?โ
โIt is!โ
โThis is the IRS. Can you help us?โ
โI can!โ
โDo you know a Ted Houlihan?โ
โI do!โ
โIs he a member of your congregation?โ
โHe is!โ
โDid he donate $10,000 to the church?โ
โHe will.โ
Pringles, itโs time to widen the can. Your target demographic isnโt thin-wristed.
Try and stop me.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. Itโll be confusing af. Canโt wait.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Me: Hi, whatโs a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, sheโs my own daughter.
You know youโre on drugs when youโre talking to your kids about drugs and you donโt have any kids.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, โDammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?โ
I think sheโs ready to be a parent now.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said โif i sign this, youโre going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, youโll be able to sign whatever you want and theyโll never know.โ
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & Iโm starting to understand murder
Overweight people know theyโre overweight, tall people know theyโre tall, why is it that stupid people donโt know what they are?
Nothing says โhigh-functioning alcoholicโ like being really good at darts.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice Iโm buying a potato gun.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
If you would have told me 20 years ago that Iโd be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said whatโs an internet.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she wonโt believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what Iโve made for dinner.
Reached a point in my life that I have no โbones to pickโ nor โaxes to grindโ. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and itโs peaceful.
Like Carrie at the prom but itโs just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if thereโs a doctor Iโm hoping Iโm not the only one