Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

when nothing goes right… go left

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

[adds another nod to the conversation]

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally