Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My work here is don’t.

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

they see me scrollin

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”

People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.