WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.