WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
This guy’s not having it 😆
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.