WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
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There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.