Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

A drum solo but on your face.