Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun