Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

This is hilarious….

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.